I DO NOT LIKE THAT

As by way of a general ruling

I have made this to be my doctrine

To dislike, distrust, or fear

Any creature meeting these criteria

Anything with more limbs than I

Anything that moves faster than I

Anything with scales or feathers

Anything surviving extreme weathers

Anything having more teeth than I do

Any creature covered in goo

Anything that growls and grunts

That isn’t engaged in sexual stunts

Anything with claws and talons

Anything that drools by the gallons

Anything that’s excessively hairy

Any creature whose eyes are starey

Anything that bites or stings

Anything that uses wings

Anything with horns or armour

Anything with an aggressive demeanour

Anything too small to see

Anything that’s bigger than me

If you think of anything, I've missed

Then I will add them to the list 

PANDERING

 

The Giant Panda

To some extent

Is the architect

Of its predicament

Its choice of habitat

And fussy diet

Contributes greatly

To its demise, I regret

JIMBO

 

I got a new dog from Battersea

And I have called him Jimbo

I now take him to obedience classes

Where they walk us to and fro

 

But when he should be at heel

Jimbo almost always runs away

And then he comes bounding back

When he is supposed to sit and stay

 

Then when he’s walking on the lead

I have to pull young Jimbo back

Or he’s round and round my feet

Until I end up lying on my back

 

We’ve stopped going to the classes

And I have a stick for him to chase

I can forgive my Jimbo anything

When he jumps up to lick my face

SIZE DOESN’T MATTER

 

Gnats as big as Bats

Bats as big as Rats

Rats as big as Cats

Fleas as big as Bees

Bees that eat the Trees

Trees that eat the Cheese

Fly’s that eat pork Pies

Pies that wear bow Ties

Ties that tell you Lies

I see with eyes blinking

Things to get me thinking

God I must stop drinking

BEAR NECESSITIES

 

When in the North America forests

On holiday

Carry with you a whistle

And a can of pepper spray

Because you might meet a bear

 

A small bear eats mainly fruit

And the occasional squirrel

And can be easily scared away

With a sharp blast on your whistle

That’s how to deal with a small bear

 

A large bear won’t be frightened away

By a blast of your whistle

But a squirt of your pepper spray

Will do the trick not a lot just a little

That’s how to deal with a large bear

 

You can check if bears are in the area

By examining their droppings

If it smells of fruit

And contains squirrel fur

Then it was deposited by a small bear

 

However, if the more dangerous large bear

Left its deposit along the way

It will probably contain a whistle

And it will smell of pepper spray

Uncanny Tales – (046) The April Showers

 

The lightning struck, intensely bright, followed in almost the same instance by the thunderclap directly overhead, so loud that it shook the car and then the rain began and fell heavily in large drops beating a frantic tune on the car roof, then almost as quickly as the dark skies arrived, they were gone and the sun was out again, although it was a few moments before the April shower stopped completely and a rainbow appeared in the sky.

We were parked by the village green, which was patterned with strips of freshly cut grass and when we got out of the car the mixture of sun, rain and cut grass produced a smell that was quite intoxicating.

We locked the car and headed down the lane and as if the switch on a great sound system had been flicked on, the bird life in the trees bordering the green exploded into a cacophony of sound as they emerged from their shelters to go about their spring business.

We turned off the lane into the woods where nature and man had both left their mark.

The areas that had once been coppiced or pollarded now went their own way and the woods were full of life.

On the borders of the woods the old cut and lay hedge and the ancient hedgerows along the lanes teamed with a great abundance of life of all kinds.

A sobering reflection on this idyllic scene is that all the visible life was either predator or prey but that did not detract from its beauty in fact it enhanced it if anything.

However, the skies darkened again, and the rain started to fall and we had to make a dash for the car, but by the time we reached the car we were soaked to the skin and we quickly scrabbled into the car as if fearful we would get even wetter if indeed that were even possible.

Just as I closed the door the lightning struck again and then the thunder shook the car violently once more.

What a wonderful and remarkable time spring is wherever you are but in the British Isles the unpredictability transforms, almost in a heartbeat, from tranquility to chaos and back again, and you know I don’t think I would want to live anywhere else.

REAWAKENED

 

Nature Reawakened

As The Long Winter Dies

Naked Boughs Are Dressed

Spring Causing Sap To Rise

The Resounding Birdsong

Fills Again The April Sky’s

And The Warming Earth

Releases Daff’s And Narcissi’s